Last month I wrote an email to some friends and family to serve as an update as to where I had been/what I had been going on in my life. It was written after my birthday...slightly momentous as I didn't think I would be celebrating
two birthdays in Afghanistan.
Their are some gaps where I took some stuff out, but hopefully "faithful readers" (whom I doubt many are left) you will enjoy.
I don't want to give any more Ike Turner-esque promises to write more regularly. I think the last 20 months is evidence enough against me. ;-) To note: I have changed career fields in Kabul.
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Dear friend,
Peace! It has been some time since I have been on Facebook, my blog or given really tangible updates about my life here in Afghanistan. I thought on the momentous [!] occasion of my **th birthday, I take a moment to finally share.
I know one can probably only say "I have been busy" so many times before anyone cares to listen anymore. It's not as much a disregard for your friendship, or any of the wonderful relationships I have been blessed with, as much of a weakness on my part in keeping up with correspondence. It always begins with a good intention ("I need to write so-and-so" or "I need to post on my blog" etc) and then, as my days fill up, I start to think "on Friday (my only day off), I will take care of XYZ" and then Friday rolls around and I don't even want to touch a computer, even though it's not a 'work activity.' I just want to unwind. OR I am outside all day long and come in late and then think "I will have to waikt on this" and then it becomes "next Friday" and then next thing you know, 20 months have passed and you are writing a group email...err...like now.
So, to get back to the point...my life here in Kabul is pretty crazy. Today, for instance, was my birthday. The festivities began the night before with a stomach bug that sprung out of nowhere and kept me in "a bad state" for most of the evening. I was afraid it was an omen as to how my **th year - or at least my birthday - would go. (The thing about these random bugs is that they are quite a regular occurrence. Despite that, every time they do occur, one is convinced that they will definitely die this time, because it's actually quite miserable.) But, luckily by morning I was mostly okay. I began the day at my 8 AM morning meeting. I have been missing it quite frequently lately by 15-20 mins, but I knew I would probably be called out for my birthday and made the extra effort to get there on time. After the whole long meeting, they announced it was my birthday and gave me a gift of a nice card and two pretty pink shawls (they are quite used to my colorful scarf collection and took a que from that.)
After the congrats, I asked if anyone had seen the 50 Euro note I managed to lose yesterday. Unfortunately, losing stuff has become my latest habit. I have lost, now, about 200 dollars in cash, lip gloss, scarves, and other accessories like nobody's business, just since the start of the year. It's not that I am making so much money that I have become nonchalant, I think I just become so preoccupied with my thoughts more and more that I forget to follow-up. In reality, you probably already know I am absentminded and this is just the material extension of that.
Then, I pretty much settled into the work day, with various groups of people (i.e. different offices) congratulating me and bursting into random singing of Happy Birthday. The best part of the day, which up until 4:30 was rather glum and stressful, was a surprise birthday party given by my section. It was so out of the blue and complete with a delicious creamy raspberry cake from the now infamous Serena Hotel, gifts and my close colleagues singing. And because I REALLY had no clue until they entered with the cake (I was actually bucking down for another hour long sleeves-rolled up work meeting) it was that much better. BUT because until that point I was still having a bit of a woe-is-me about being far from friends and family on my bday and getting old in general, the surprise was that much better. So much so, in fact, that I proceeded to bawl while cutting the cake. The office was also hot and crowded, so besides the physical heat in the room, the intense heat of embarrassment (yes, me!) of the surprise, and the emotion and big hot tears running down my face (and related embarrassment), I can assure you the pictures are not very good. My coworker, a professional photographer who took them, showed me the preliminary set and you can actually see the bulging veins in my forehead that only come out under tremendous pyschological duress. Or embarrassment. Either way. However, the surprise was very sweet and meant/means alot to me.
So, afterwards we went outside and took more pics and tossed around a football. Meaning a proper American football, but a smaller Old Navy nerf-ish version. It's one of my main stress releivers on busy days in the office, esp. now that the weather is nice these days. I go and find one of the few American colleagues in my command and force them to play. The Europeans have no idea what to do with it...they either throw it like a rugby ball or "like a girrrrl, ewww." It's kind of funny.
I wrapped up work soon after, came back and got dressed for a fancy dinner hosted by the Icelandic Ministry of Foreign Affairs. The Minister, a female, is in town with a delegation of other Icelandic bigwigs. (Bear in mind that the country has only about 300,000 beautiful Nordic people, so a delegation of 10 is like the US sending the whole mid-Atlantic region to a formal state visit. With these 10 people gone, I bet you will actually register a palpable difference in electricity used nationwide. cool.) So the female minister invited some Afghan female bigwigs, including several parliamentarians (the qouta system allows Afghanistan to have a pretty high number of female parliamentarians and senators...though doesn't necessarily mean a great deal for women in the country...see my former colleague Anna Wordsworth's paper on this issue at
http://www.areu.org.af/) the only female general for the Afghan National Army, and some other notable, including a few Afghan-American/British businesswomen. So what am I doing there? WELL...funny story. Initially, I was invited and told it was because I am an Afghan-American who is working for the betterment of Afghanistan (am I? InshAllah....). AND..."maybe I can help with translation." I AM NOT A TRANSLATOR. Despite me having told them this 100 times, they said, fine no problem, just so you are there. Yeah, right. (My Dari and Pashto are embarrassingly primitive, even after 20 months in this country. Truth be told, I have never been able to dedicate serious time to classes as I should have. The opportunity was there much more with my first job here, but now, no chance. I will get back to that in a moment.)
But the event was interesting. Even clearly being the most unimportant person in the room, it was fascinating. Many of the women I have seen before, and I am going to be honest, some are not all that. Meaning, you can tell they are only interested in getting in the face of foreign donors, invites to foreign countries and so on. Gender issues and women's rights - while important - is really the pet project of the West here in Afghanistan. While I count myself as a feminist in many respects, the last 20 months here has really disillusioned me with this almost sickening obsession with women's rights. Everyone wants to put money into gender policy and research, but much fewer - if any - want to take that money straight into actual female literacy programs. They prop up female leaders here - some who deserve to be propped up (brave women long dedicated to Afghanistan and its people) and others who don't deserve it (self-interested, corrupt women, who are focused on lining their pockets or simply getting invites abroad and expanding their jewelry collections). Let's not kid ourselves, the statement "power corrupts" is not limited to Western males.
But back to my issues with the over-emphasis on women's issues. Enhancing the position of Afghan women in society is important for the health of the whole society. But the approach has generally been wrong. Rather than seeking out women and propping them up or granting them opportunities in lieu of men, a more holistic approach - one that focuses on the economic health of the family as whole or in literacy for both genders, or simply not blaming all the problems on men - is one way to get Afghan men to be a partner in this mission, rather than alienating them from the process, and by extention, development and causing suspicion toward the international community's intentions here. In fact, the messaging put out by the insurgency here - you may have caught yourself in many of the letters that get sent to the press - includes stuff on how "evil America wants to unveil our women" - it may not be that exactly, but the sense that the West is trying to recreate Afghan women in its image is part of that.
However, despite my tangeant, the event was okay. Some of the women are quite impressive and there is a beauty that radiates from within some of them. One was just plain old cool. She was different...the female ANA general. She is a brigadier - one star - general who is the head of education in the Afghan Ministry of Defense. She is a former parachuter, widower and single mother of one son. She didn't have the slightly more refined manners of the parliamentarians, etc, who have had much more exposure to internationals and official formal settings - with women. Keeping in mind her position with all these men, it makes sense. She was, for lack of a better term, less polished and much more raw, rough - real. But I liked her. While all the other women and their flashy jewelry were probably (like Afghan women the world over) trying to one-up each other with their self-praise and accomplishments and awards, her version was much cooler. She has parachuted free-jump more than 500 times, experienced in a number of sports and martial arts and is a physical education teacher trainer for the ANA. Basically, she could have whooped the butts of all the other ladies in there.
I ended up walking her out and waiting for her car at the end and she offered me a ride home which I declined so I could go take care of some stuff. She even put up with my god-awful Pashtu...and anyone who does that gets my gratitude.
So that was today. Only slightly exceptional. My time here is so hectic. Work-wise, I am quite busy. About a month ago, I chose to move to my work compound due to security and convenience issues. I work about 10-12 hours a day, 6 days a week. Except for certain meetings and activities that are regular, there is always something different going on - like this dinner for instance. Since I also focus on issues related to the eastern and southeastern issues of the country, I deal extensively with the regional command for that area which is about an hour north of Kabul. It's stressful work, but oftentimes rewarding. I can't go into too much detail, not due to security concerns, but because it is almost 3 AM and I need to sleep!
Nothing much else...while I was certain I was going to leave in August, I can honestly no longer say so. It's hard to say. When I have days when I feel I accomplished something, I think I will stay. But then I have days when I come to my room and curl up and ask "why are you doing this to yourself, Zohra?"...so it depends. We will see. Inshallah khair.
